I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize