My hair reeks of homosexuality.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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