Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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