I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
