Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
