Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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