My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
