i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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