Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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