So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
