Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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