i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
