Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
