Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
