dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Randomize
