Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
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He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
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When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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