I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
