im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
