i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So many bounce houses so little time
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
