Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
