I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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