remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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