I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
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I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
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Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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