I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Sorry about my life...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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