By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
