Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
