My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
