The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just found puke in my bra..
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
