I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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