my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
