my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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