Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
