If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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