dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
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He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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