Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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