Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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