Umm I'm too high to move.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
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Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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