Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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