Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
