That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
