the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
