I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
