i already hear my dad disowning me
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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