I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
