the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
