have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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