Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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