She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She's like a pop up book from hell.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
