watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
