Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I want her autograph on my taint
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
