Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
