So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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