First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
