My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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