The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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