you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
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well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
