too bad you live with your parents still
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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